I’ve been feeling like a sub-par mom for a few solid months here. I am old enough to know that it’s ok and life will be full of ebbs and flows and kids will be angels and rascals for different amounts of time. And I try to remember my responsibility is to just do my best, ask for help for the holy spirit daily and let the rest sort itself out during the ups and downs.
I feel life here gets hairy right before a season change happens but feel at peace knowing change will happen and nothing stays the same forever.
Some rascals have been mentioning I am boring or mean..some have been treating eachother with hatred and others have been saying they hate Sunday school..I have felt a little sad..and have wondered if I am doing something “wrong”.
Buuuuut..just in the nick of time (and at a season change) I got 2 fun glimmers of hope to stand on and move past my guilt and questioning towards myself.
I just read in 2 Chronicles this week. You hear of many leaders in Davids lineage who chose to live and lead with evil and a few in between who chose to bring their nation back to truth, love and peace (Gods way). Anyway I was reading about Hezekiah and I loved hearing who his mother was and that it was important for her to be named in the bible. It showed me she impacted the great man he became. During those times many kings had numerous wives and children so it hit me that mothers were SUPER DUPER DUPER important in their childress upbringings! Many father’s were either at war or had dozens or hundreds of children; and in my mind likely did much less teaching and training than mothers.
The word came alive to me in that I felt sooo encouraged by who Hezekiahs mother was and how by simply teaching him God’s way; she paved a path for a nations’ redemption. The men who chose great evil were often mothered by women who hated God’s ways and led them in that direction. It just all hit me real deep this week for some reason and empowered me to just speak truths whenever I’m prompted…that’s my full time job!
Ok, so the next thing that was soo needed was that Aliyah and I went to a mom/daughter retreat yesterday. She is soo mature for an 8 year old and we are slowly drifting in our closeness as she craves more independence. Long story short, during the conference we were told to look one another in the eyes for a super long time. Firstly I loved that it wasn’t at all awkward for us. We could’ve done it for a lot longer than was required..win! Secondly, we were asked as mom’s while staring in our daughters eyes to tell them everything we love about them… Obviously that was super easy for me to go on and on about her…but next it was the daughters’ turn. (Aliyah doesn’t mind me sharing this).
My little 8 year old stared at me seriously and earnestly and said ” I love you because you teach me about God and true things, I love you because you don’t spoil me too much, I love you because you’re the perfect mom for me, I love you because you are pretty for dad and I love you because you are like your mom”. (For my personality each and every one of those thing filled my tank to overflowing!)
That’s all I needed to get me to totally forget these past months and move ahead to the next season. Despite the ugly day to day battles; I know her heart towards me and that’s what I will dwell on. Dwelling on ANYTHING that encourages and brings life is everything! That’s all…Hezekiahs mom was amazing and I’m sure she had moments of ugly just like me. I trust my kids will change this world for good just like him. There’s no room to think otherwise.